I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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