While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
