So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
