Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
