so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
