Where are you?
In a non slutty way
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My feet surprised me
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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