I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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