we're chasing vodka with high fives
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
