Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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