its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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