my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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