i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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