Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
