I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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