Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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