Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
