What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
