1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm like, not good at living.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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