I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
