he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
