mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
