you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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