Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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