you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
