I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
