Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I am midnight drunk by noon
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
