you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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