my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
