Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
