I molested 6 butterflies tonight
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
