mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
