Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
