life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
