I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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