So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
We named our party play list daddy issues
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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