Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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