I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
