Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
