pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
false alarm, still single
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
