no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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