I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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