I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
