I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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