Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
