I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
