Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
