So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize