you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
