based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
