I puked a lego.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
