Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize