True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
