I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
