I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize