Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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