Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
