Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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