What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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