**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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