so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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