dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
