Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He has the fingertips of a God
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