You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
