How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
